Dau som1 today......i wun lie.....it hurts......i dun dare even to look at u.....when i saw u were alone....struggling with the chem....and noe tad it is 1 of my few chance to tok to u......i didnt.....i just looked down.....lik a coward i am....when u went to the com to do ur EOM.....i just walked away....not a single word said...and went to the sofa to slp.....u dunno how it hurts.....the effort it takes to ignore....it hurts even more when i could have helped but didnt.....when i tink bout how i ignored u my heart aches.....so drained now....some1 tell me....isit all in vain?......lik she said....its better to let go now then to fall deeper in the lie......even to speak ur name i stammer....u all dun understand....perhaps im too sensitive....but im human after all.....and humans have feelings too.....yes im scared of u....u are the only 1 who could shake the very foundation i stand on.....not my teachers..not my parents....not my ncc sirs nor training...it scares me how scared i am...the first and its painful...

dis feeling of helplessness......so tired of it all......just felt lik ranting it all out...heh =/

tired...haizz.....sian......lalallala......shyt sia.....forget to call boon ask her lend me copy math....=/......haiz......so sian.......wads taking ginny so long.........obs few mor days away......excited?.....dunno leh.....actually no la......just looking forward to it only.....not the nervous type........ya.......hmmmmm.............tomoroe......got wad......oya practical......sian........then tues got listening........oh man.....its getting more depressing.......y is tad ginny keep offlin online offline online....gotta go.....heh......means now i wasting time........huh? ginny sms me say i go slp first?.....i wun ask......lol....k i go slp now nitez

yesterday went to jes house and play tennis and swim =) after honren come we lost 3 balls (i tink its 3) immediately haha! after tad we went swimming....the pool very deep means can dive so i dive until shuang haha so fun. my house th epool so shallow dive means concussion. anyway...we had mac for dinner and we tok tok laugh laugh take pictures....after tad went swim a little while mor and then went home at bout 10+ lidat =)

Lyrics for pushing me away

I’ve lied / to you
The same way that I always do
This is / the last smile
That I’ll fake for the sake of being with you

Everything falls apart / even the people who never frown / eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
Everything has to end / you’ll soon find we’re out of time left / to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I’ve tried / like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is / the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

Everything falls apart / even the people who never frown / eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
Everything has to end / you’ll soon find we’re out of time left / to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

We're all out of time / this is how we learn how it all unwinds
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie

We're all out of time / this is how we learn how it all unwinds
The sacrifice is never knowing why...

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
pushes me away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i dunno how to say....so sad.....but i guess its better then living in the dark....anyway thks ginny...ya...i guess it dosen matter now...have i felt dis way before? maybe....but it was probably such a long time ago i forgot how it hurts....effing sia

tired...today lik shit sia...miss seng call my parents....chi tutor complain to my parents....suan by mr woo...and by classmates....it dosen help tad my nose id killing me....wads goin on? maybe ive done smt wrong previously tad has affect my relationship with every1....new start?....maybe

sorry every1....i noe im am lazy....in the past i lazy means only i kena but now lik sabo some ppl...i was never the kind of person who can sit down and study....pls forgive me....i will do my best to change....as for chi....ya u are rite....i have long given up hope on it....i was never gd in my studies....every1 in jc lik so hardworking lidat....study study study...so sian....even frenship must be affected by studying....now almost all conversation must have somting bout study....those who noe me well noes how much i hate to tok bout sch work.....

means now i have to reconsider my options.....if i go poly i can see all my sec frens =))) then can escape from dis prison of torture....but then means i will have to leave all my frens behind....or wads left of them....k la today post so negative...better stop here

ginny is cute? i wun ask..lol

today got back 3 test results geog, chi and bio.....geog got 50/75 then big improvement so teacher giv me a star hahahaha! means now got smt to boast about =).....chi lousy got 30+ % haizzzzz.........bio got 62/99 yay means i pass everyting other then chi......just hope i dun screw up my gp cos i tink i write out of point =/....

i really hope hr and sl will clear up anymisunderstanding they hav.....hope every1 be more tolerant of each other.....=/.....thks to all frens tad surpport me =))).....oya boon long time never tag liao leh faster tag smt be4 ginny flood my tag box!! hahahahhaha!!!

BTW any1 got eminem songs pls sent me thks lots =))))

tired just came home....now must chiong bio hw....=.=

PE today we get to play wad we want.....as i was wearing new shoes i dowan play soccer but everybody all wan so i just sit ther stone....after PE period hr free then we play net ball with the girls....stubbed my toe....maybe coz i not too use to the new shoe =/...anyway the nail sort of cut rite into muy big toe then very pain...bleeding in the toe and outside of toe....sock also kena little blood i see already tio stun...my big toe hurting all the way to the ct period....>.<..owww

anyway ct period is student councelor investiture....no comments =P....then aft the ting then i go cope fishball and chicken wing for gang...arisa never eat...heh....after tad went to the piano plac with nat and arisa then raining so i just ran all the way there then whole body wet....stubbed the injured toe again...pain...coz it to bleed again....>.<.....reached the block but didnt go to the house itself...waited at the void deck to dry...then when rain stop then i go explore abit heh...went to 7-11 use the air con dry myself....arisa team with nat scare me.....say wad oh waiting for nat then end at 7 then i tio stun =.-....anyway at bout 6 20pm we went off to marina square watch pirates of the carriabean =)

took mrt to city hall....then rushed to the cinema....k la not really rush la brisk walk....k actually also not brisk la mor lik normal speed....when approaching cinema arisa almost coz me to kena heart attack....she went to cope my tix when i never see then when i check its not ther =.-....almost died for 10 seconds lidat...heh...reached the cenima tad time no more middle sits liao so sit at 2nd front row hahaha!! no goody bag =(.... we reached at bout 7 10 and the show started liao...still can see la the screen also not say very big...show very nice....i tink its lik better then the first 1...anyway ther will be a sequel to dis show....go watch to find out wad i toking =)....after the show i lazy move but arisa need go home asap....we went to long john silver had dinner/supper ( i dunno how to differentiate eating times liao) after tad.....acc arisa to bishan and wait for bus with her then went home.

tinking bout it the injury was nth at all heh =).... gd day today try to enjoy my mood as much as i can =D

Chinese oral today......damn stress.....then got maths lect but never bring lect notes....haizzz...oral....ok la.....should be able to pass.....whew finally over...

i dunno wad to say now....sad =/.....pls....do not hide anyting from me....i dun want to live with false hope.....i mean....pls tell me the truth i will be able to accept it.....i dun want to realise tad i ve been living in a bluff all along....i dun blame u.....u must have ur reasons....any reason is a valid reason.....if u hate my guts i will humbly accept it....i just want to noe the truth...or maybe im just fooling myself ...=/

Woke up at 6 today then 7 liadt go expo take bus to ferry terminal then go pulau tekong.....oya have to go with parents...=/....anyway almost slept on the ferry....reach ther first ting is reception o.O oya then the female toilet there only got 1 cubicle....lol....anyway i never eat breackfast so means i chiong all the donuts, chicken all tad....yum...anyway went to some lecture hall lik place then the minister of def give speech all tad...my father busy taking notes then i ask him for wad then he say oh i writing down ques to ask...>.<.....then i say no need la!! wad u want to noe ask me i also noe..then he ask stupid ques say wad if join NCC then will lik have wad advantage?....=.-....then is lik i already soooooo many times tell him the only advantage is tad we already noe the army basics lik marching marksmanship fundamentals all tad....STILL HAVE TO GO BASIC MILITARY TRAINING FOR SAME PERIOD OF TIME AS OTHER PEOPLE!!!.....then got Q & A.....>.<.....

the q and a session rite? nobody ask ques....then my father suddenly raise his hand and i was lik oh nooo.....then he ask wad can choose to go police instead of army all tad la then i was ok dis ques ok...whew....k relax.....then the min of def say any more ques?.......silence.....THEN MY FATHER RAISE HIS HAND AGAIN!!! i was lik wad the?? THEN HE ASK THE SAME QUES HE ASKED ME EARLIER ON!!!!! ARGHHH!!!! THEN EVERY1 LOOK AT ME!!!!!! i swear i could have just died ther....>.<....means now we tio marked i tell u more later...

aft tad then got tour then i went to Induvidual markmansjip trainer room again....its lik a electronic rifle range la....in NCC everyyear must go at least 2 times go shoot....anyway i went to try then all 12 shots al head shot whoooo!!! then the warrant officer praise me hahahha!!

aft tad we went on the tour then got we went to see the equipment each recruit will get upon enlisting and the army ration packs etc.......THEN a senior warrant officer came to me and said so u've tried the army rations before? i said ya....THEN MY FATHER CUT IN SAY YA HE NCC 1.....wth....then he ask me wad rank then i tell him then he say oh means the big boss of ur company la? then i said eerrrrrrr.....some sort la.....luckily time to move on for lunch whew.....

anyway during lunch.....got a person suddenly come to my dad say hey u the 1 who asked the questions rite? can i interview u and ur son...

uh oh...

my father say yes then i say ok lor.....then i saw the camera....u no the 1 they use to film the news 1? then i suddenly hey no thanks i feeling very tired....then i and my mum see my father doin the interview from afar....>.<....

at bout 2 lidat then we were already on the ferry back to mainland....on the way got a female officer (never see the rank) come tok to my parents....then my father mentined tad i was in ncc AGAIN.....haizz....after tok tok tok then she came to me and said so means u ready for NS already la?......no comments on tad i just smiled at her....

so tad basically sums up my pulau tekong trip....oya its only for permanant residents so tads y nobody else got the letter =/....

btw saw a notice on the notice board at the bunks...title is sleep deprived problems during world cup season....wow...had to go on reading....i try to remember wad i read...say wad world cup season now and it has come to the attention of the office tad many servicemen are now suffering from lack of sleep....blah blah...lead to tempory dulling of senses and reduced abilty to perform....may have serious consequenses especially for those in charge of heavy machinary.....servicemen are reminded tad it is their responsibilty to ensure adqute sleep...officers are reminded to remind thier platoons to get enuf slp and to themselves as well AS THE OFFICERS WILL MOST PROBABLY BE THE ONES WHO WILL STAY UP LATE TO CATCH THE MATCHES....lol!!!! the last sentance was the most interesting hahahha!!!

long weekend sia....=.=....must wake up at 6 tomoroe go pulau tekong for some stupid NS briefing.....then at nite got maths tuition....must go beach road but dunno when...then got chi oral on mon....shit sia if fail oral means die....maybe i meet sl or boon on sun chiong oral....chi is damn effing no meaning subject...haaaaiiizzzz

today morn gp lecture kena called by teacher ans ques...then arisa say dis week i dam suay.....very tru la yesterday also kena called 2 times by miss tay during bio lecture.....then during chem got dis teacher dunno got wad problem try to act fierce fierce tok also without mic.....then keep asking question lik the world going to end lidat and keep targeting boys....>.<.....so bias....then she tok until lik so pro say wad will expect all of us to remember wad she say all tad then she also dunno how to teach dunno wad she toking lidat. CLIMAX of the day was when she knock over the conc ammonia hydroxide and hcl then got alot of fumes then the whole LT all went

"OOORRRRRHHHHHH!!!!!"

dam funny la....must see it to believe it. the whole LT become lik cloudy misty lidat hahaha

During chem tut mr wong was teacing.....the atmostphere lik very tense....appently mr wong marked very very very leniantly la....say wad last ting he can do be4 he leave....so sad.....shld hav some farewell dinner for him uno....all the tings he done for us such as helping yi hui and yanshuang get into yjc and the test ting...=/.....anyway i passed.....actually i was kind of glad i passed but then some1 look very sad then it started rubbing off to me...=.-....chinese was boring watsetime fullstop.

today tired so skip CO....go home tad time then my earpiece spoil ARGHH!!....almost slept in mrt.....reach tpy tad time go to popular ther buy the same earpiece.....means wate money sia.....anyway went popular then saw victor in home clothes!!!! then i ask him sch end early???? then he say ya i went home bathe slp then come 1.....=.-.....means taking lif easy la....

nowadays feeling a bit sian....class lik got alot of girls then they all clique together all tad means no room for us....its lik girls-girls, boy-girl and boy-boy interaction all diff 1 mah.....even hr also starting to feel the sianness of the whole ting....at least hr still got sl can play play....then its lik last time always got wad zhan xiong, roy, kaixiong they all then always in lib play AOE 2....=/.....then now lik no time bond lidat.....then hr and sl lik my best frens since first 3 months...now got more la...then now when they sperate lik the whole ting becomes very strange....ya =/....lucky now just small 1 la if not i means i dunno wad to do sia..... so stay happy dun fight k?

got back chem mcq results....failed....so dissapointing....=(....if i had gotten a 10 out of 20 i happy liao but noooooo k never mindstudies sux anyway....few tings of interest happen today....

firstly is the matter of class fund....the total expenditure of last last month exceeded to total input from class....total output is $137+.....then dis month first week math notes total coast $60++ liao then still must add chem, bio, gp notes not to mention geog notes....>.<....means now class fund no money must use my own money first....so ex....

k anyway the second ting is bout the bookshop auntie....bleddy effing.....bio notes also print wrong number.....then the worst ting is tad when sl check the auntie print only even pages....=.-....not first time liao lor......then the worst part is tad the auntie still wan us pay for reprinting then her own fault ask us pay??? wth??? then also show us attitude....=.-.....maybe shld complain to teacher but got use?

k on a happier note today arisa, ginny, belinda, farah were spotted with new bags O.O.....rich means rich la no wonder take econs hahahhaha...ok no link..=.-....arisa hair make until lik the anime type cant help but take notice =/....oya today bored so showed off my fainting skill hahhaha....oya and got new chem teacher.....hmmm...seems nice.....but i shall continue to moniter his actions and behaviour before judging further lol.

today finished the written report draft 1.....actually i dun see a point in doing the draft 1 nice nice then hand up since she also going to return....then miss lee also never give any guidelines whatsoever as to how to do the wr......anywayto say the truth was kind of haphazard type la the work we did....but ok not too bad..ok enuf bout work.....today dota day keep toking bout dota with hon nat and kai heng....now jacky also kena influenced o.O

today in school very tired dunno y =/....

Mem of a warrior
im not scared of u its just tad i feel inhibited (is dis the rite word?) when u are around....really dun want to giv u tad kind of face and attitude but its like feel too concious ya tads the word....yup im not scared...u dun scare me....ive seen and faced much scarier tings in my life....i must not be blinded by the light...>.<

Heard that some new villian is wrecking havoc in balestier hill my old sec school....=.-......also known as the new vice principal and lik dam effing...hear are some of the crazy unbelivable tings i heard:

1: Ban carbonated drinks in the canteen (no 100+ also!!!)

2: remake the canteen put dunno wad seashells starfish on the wall make until dam kiddy (haven see yet... )

3: make a rule tad all boys must slope hair and no spike allowed (not even short spike!!)

4: pants must wear above waist ( not too sure how to comment bout dis but heard its a bad ting)

5: scold the cleaners (the cleaners in my sch dam nice 1...=(...)

6: scold teacher in front of class (WTH!!)

oh man....wad is happening to my beloved sch!!! >.< means now must really plan to go back go see wad the hell is happening ther...angela told me tad got 1 time the vp detain her and few others for detention then sup to end at forgot wad time then the vp drag until lik 1 hr late and the worse part is tad she didnt even bother to explain or apologise AND THE PRINCIPAL HAD TO APOLOGISE FOR HER!!! OMG!!! =.-...wad is the world coming to??..means all students to arms!!!! we will not allow dis treachery to destroy our sacred land!!! lok thar!!

~~~if u wish to contribute some money to help surpport our crusading war efforts pls contact me either by dis blog or by email. thk u for ur cooperation :)~~~

fri: sl, hr, boon and jacky came my house....all swam except jacky...k la not swim is play water lol....later went to 4e1 dinner at cafe cartel.....ate some sea food combo for 3 with kx, chak and kian wee in the end eat also not full =/.....after tad when to play pool at parklane....at first supp to be only few of us then in the end the other e1s come crash then also dunno how to calculate each person pay how much =.-....

sat: woke up at 11 to 12 lidat then go play game then got chi tuition....haiz ....sian.....night wei han they all ask me come down join them bbq so i go chat chat a bit with them.....i only now wei han and jing mei but ok la enuf for us to tok kok hahahaha....settled a misunderstanding whew

today: nth much very tired....

Had a rather strange dream last night tad some1 say tad i have too much hate and will in the end cause my frens to suffer smt lidat.....ya....weird.... so today decide tad i will change....=).....firstly will be more tactful in wad i say.....secondly will be nicer to my parents and siblings...heh.=/

made a good fren angry today......very sorry......i never tink be4 i say......pls forgive me.....feel very bad now.....I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON AND I WILL NOT SAY SUCH TINGS AGAIN IN THE FUTURE I PROMISE

today geog test....i tink...oook la....not as bad as my other tests....anyway aft test decided to watch silent hill with boon, honren and sl......sl got CO ting so wait for her....honren go library surf net..... i bo liao so go the sofa there slp....

slping tad time first person "disturb" was honren....call me ask me where am i then i say i at sofa he look out say oh i didnt see u ook bb......ooook i wun ask haha....went back to slp....next person is jacky.....come to me show his butt to me for wad i also dunno...i look up look down go back slp.....then later on was shiang yng....dunno why then she start tap dancing in front of me then i wake up from the tapping.....stared at her awhile never say anyting go back slp hahhaha...sl finished at bout 6 lidat then we go lido orchard go watch silent hill

watch liao then go home....then sl say i nowadays always very sian.....say quite a while liao....y? i dunno....i would just be spacing out....mind blank.....very tired tink.....

consider dis.....can u trust a fren who is a fren with ur enemy? is it ok when some1 whom u hate toks to ur fren in front of u and he or she happily chats? and worse still is tad the person is u dunno if he or she is may actually be hating ur fren too but is just chatting to spite u? i dunno how to say la....tired to tink....=.=

today a piece of shit confirm tad it wants a fight....today during geog test i sit in front of it and it said eeeee i dowan sit here liao....=.-.....means wad? means u wan u go fren fren tad bugger but pls dun do it in front of me srry but i have to make dis clear....maybe u dun understand how much hatred i have in side of me now.....maybe u dun realise that its not me who is pushing the limit....

im not depressed.....just tired.....tired of all the anger i feel inside.....so tired i am starting to space out very often even during studyin.....trying to slp more but it dosen help....dunno wad to do anymore just pls if u consider me as a fren dun do the above anymore

Maths test today was damn sucky.....did the paper halfway looked at the clock and tot.....how come time so slow ar?.....if they say put the pens down at tad moment i tink i woulnt hav mind....i do also is anyhow do 1.....then chi was even worse...all the mcq i anyhow put ans then the 4 marks 8 marks question i cannot understand then write 1 sentance only which is wrong anyway....i tink getting single digit for my chi test is confirmed...=.=
today go home tad time suddenl feel very depress sia....honren jacky sl saying until the paper lik so easy lidat.....dun want to hear anymore but ask them stop toking lik rude....haizzz

really scared i cannot pass my A level chi sia.....to say the truth....the main reason i didnt want come jc was cos of chi.....my D7 for o level was tyco get 1.....tad time i didt really care bout chi cos i was already planning to go poly 1.....then now is lik if i fail my chi then i cannot even go anywhere...my failing of chi is a very real possibility....chi is the only sub tad no matter how much effort i put into it i seem unable to even get a lousy pass....i tink if i fail my end year chi i will seriously consider dropping out of jc go poly tak lif science or smt....like wasted but i guess really no choice got dis stupid sword hanging over my head....=.=

shitty day.